It's the End of the World... 2012 edition

So let me be the 136378 person to say it, It's the End of the World... And I feel Fine.. Actually I feel great, I felt fine after the third Baileys and egg nog.. Feeling great started around the sixth... Fuc@$n Awesome will be felt at the bottom of the bottle!!! So bear with me and let me rob you of a couple of the last minutes you will have here on Earth.

Has anyone bothered to see how the Mayans are acting with such impending doom harbouring over us?? Are there Mayans still?? Are there Mayans moving?? Haha see what I did there.. Whatever.. You'll probably get it with a few minutes left to live..

The main reason we should all realize the world is truly coming to an end is that this will be the first time in 40 years that Dick Clark will not drop the ball and ring in the new year... If that isn't enough to make you run over to your neighbours bunker and start Y2K'ing his stash of canned goods and Twinkees, I don't know what is!!!

Another reason we should second guess all these positive people who think Dec 22nd will roll into town... If the world doesn't end right away, the Youth of America will eventually vote in Pauly D as President of the United States.. The Situation will be Governor of GTL and Vinnie will be Vice President who's only job will be to stand beside Pauly and laugh at all his jokes.. AWKWARD!!!! Don't worry if you don't get that, it may just be a reason I am looking towards the end of the world...

A world where Bieber and Manaj are considered cutting edge musicians.. A world where if you're a teenager and pregnant you get handed an MTV contract before adoption information... A world where "real housewives" are considered Best Selling Authors and musicians.. A world where .... Wait.. Is this getting too political?? Glass number eight brings on too much seriousness...

So lets summarize what we have learnt so far... Dicks dead.. Pop culture sucks..
Pauly <3 Vinnie... Glittery vampires are the worst thing to be introduced to the public since that backwards visor wearing trend.. Seriously bring em out behind the barn!!

Lost my train of thought.. Train.. Crazy Train.. Ozzy.. That guy rocked on Survivor.. I mean seriously.. Aquaman or what.. Didn't see me going there did you.. Is anyone actually reading this??

Anyway lets get onto the heart of the matter, something that may come as a shock to some.. Some of you may already know this so try not to spoil the ending, Okay!! It happened about 11 years ago?? No seriously is that right, someone correct me if I am wrong.. 11 years ago a horrible horrible thing happened and I don't think I will ever ever be the same... It was up on a slippery snow covered roof that a fat jolly old man met his maker.. Some reports say Rudolph pushed him.. Some say a few stow away elves pushed him.. Some say he lives in Florida with Elvis and they run a chicken and waffles restaurant where you get 5% off on Tuesday if you clip their coupon.. But what I am saying is.. What am I saying. Bettman SUCKs!!

No wait.. Some say Grandma got her revenge one crisp night... Some say poisoned milk left by naughty Jimmy.. But ALL must know that Santa is a Dead.. Dead.. dEaD Man!!!! And no one is to even breath a word or syllable of that fat dead man to a certain group of 3 children who will remain nameless under the witness protection program.. But if you must say something.. Oh H.. E.. Double Hell Sticks!!! Lost my train of thought agin..

Hey Dick is Dead.. Santa is Dead.. Elvis is Dead... Did you know that Santa spelt backwards isnt even a word...

Time a wasting.. What do you want to do with your last few hours besides read this agin because you can't believe you even read it the first time!!!! Hahahahahahaha

If we make it to New Years... Lets Blow Something Up!!!!!

Living in the Forest

So deck your halls and hang your tinsel... The Christmas Tree Is up!!! After a few near death experiences between the tree and myself, it has been levelled .. All though after a Few Baileys and Egg Nog.. I am not sure which one of us is leaning to the right.
Outside may be ice cold and barren of any snow, but the inside feels like over the river and through the woods! Every box of decorations opened brings back a flood of recent memories and memories that have decades of fragile dust gathered on them. It's the holiday Horders must dream about because when your kid makes that egg carton sleigh, you know you can never get rid of it... Or the millions of cut out snowflakes.. Even if you now you will make a million more next year.. The way things are going I am going to be getting a uHaul truck to start delivering the boxes of decorations in the next 5 years.
There is so much glitter floating around this house right now it looks like either Ke$ha threw up or Edward exploded in the sunlight.. Pine needles replace hardwood floor, garland replaces crown moulding and I swear I saw a couple chipmunks trying to stuff a hula hoop into a tree by the creek.. Only at Christmas...

But it's not even December!! I am sure a lot of you have uttered these words as you were reading. Around here Christmas music gets played after the first big snow fall, that didn't last long but it got cranked non the less.. Bing Crosby and Bono were belting out the festive tunes faster then my 5 year old and 3 year old could make snow angels. Decorations usually follow a week or so after, depending on the time of snow... But the tree.. Hohhot the Tree.. Oh Christmas Tree oh Christmas Tree.. Where the heck in Westbank can we find a Christmas tree???????

Load up the truck and back over the river and through the woods.. It's off to Dogwood we go!! Nada.. Zip.. Oh wait they have a 3 foot potted tree.. Nothing for another week.. That ain't gonna fly.

Back into the truck, over the highway, down the Main Street.. It's off to Bylands we go!! The main doors open.. The smell of vanilla and cranberry candles fills the air. Silver and Gold decorations adorn the display trees... Wait, what?? No trees until Tuesday.. Charlie Brown we need a miracle!!

Back in the truck

Back to the highway
Stop at Tim Hortons because this is Canada.. And it's Christmas.. All we need is Crosby handing me Timbits through the drive thru window.. Any chance of that Gary??

Anyway.. Back on the road , through the parking lot... Home Depot shines like a beacon of salvation with its rows of bundled up pine needle dropping trees!!!!!

So now it stands here, twinkling in the darkness of the house. The kids are asleep and I swear that tree is leaning to the left but it's nothing another glass of Baileys won't fix.. Ran out of Egg nog 3 glasses back!