How about this rain

   

                                            

How about this rain....

  

maybe the world would be better off if all we ever talked about was the weather.  Don't get me wrong, it wouldn't solve everything because there are those of us that just crave an argument every now and then.  One person would say its going to be cloudy tomorrow, so someone would go out of their way to say that it would be stormy.  But it would eliminate 80.08% of all disagreements.  ( there is no scientific or mathematical theory or reasoning behind that number, it just looks like the word BooB if typed on an old school calculator )

The biggest loaded gun question to ever cross the threshold of our lips is "How was your day?"  Most of the time it is uttered without thought and with slight hope that the reply will be swift, nobody ever wants to be the one to light the powder keg.. But with that question uttered, the risk has been taken.. The dice has been thrown.

How was your day?

Fine...

( oh thank god, now abruptly either change e subject or get the hell out of there.. )

How was your day?

Well let me tell you...

( ahhhh shit.... I don't have the time for this nor do I even care about this... Just shut up please!!! )

How was your day?

I'll let you know in half an hour...

( what the fuck is that even supposed to mean... Don't expect me to ask again.. )

Now change is to the weather and everyone makes it out with enough time to make a sandwich, catch the game and even paint a freakin Pollock )

It really doesn't matter what we have to bitch about, things could always be worse, you just have to look at it in the right light.  Let me explain for you...

How was your day?

I got fired!

Think of all the free time you'll have now!

But I am broke!!

Well you could have always had your head cut off by a roller coaster..  ( Check  & Mate )

With weather, there are really only 3 responses to a question..

How about this sunshine!!

A) it's too hot...

B) I love it

C) I guess it's okay ( these people need a crotch shot.. Miserable little pricks )

How about this rain?

A) we needed it!!

B) too much, it can stop anytime

C) I guess it's okay. ( you're really asking for it aren't you??? )

Let me start is all over again....

Maybe the world would be better off if we never talked to each other... We are all narcissistic little whiners in our own way who crave the Facebook like on our life.  We ask question to get answers that will lead to a question being asked back so we can talk about what we really always want to talk about... Ourselves.   

Here's something to think about...

How WAS your day?? 

Sunscreen

Ladies and gentlemen, wear sunscreen.. If I could offer you only one piece of advice for your future, sunscreen would be it. Did you know that sunscreen is used for more then sun protection? Oh yes, much more!

It can remove stains from your driveway. It can be used as a cheap butter substance and if you leave an open tube of it in your fridge, it will keep it smelling tropical fresh for weeks.

The rest of my advice has absolutely no depth or substance to it but it does sound good when backed with funky hooks and beats on a high frequency of FM radio.

Pay no attention to the power that is the beauty of your youth... That way when you're old, you will still be happy. Remember, you are not as Phat as you think.. You are however, Super Fly!!!

Do not worry about your future because worrying is about as effective as nailing jello to a wall or trying to solve Algebra by chewing bubble gum. And why chew bubble gum when a piece of cardboard soaked in sunscreen makes for a longer lasting taste satisfaction.

Do one thing a day that scares the person you are stalking.

Sing. But don't release an album. Especially if you are Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan.. Actually, don't sing... Just hum loudly!!

Don't be reckless with someone else's heart, in fact put down any vital organs you may have, they are are play things for your amusement.

Stretch.

Floss.

Rebuild your desktop with the included tools and don't fully tighten all the screws until the end.

If Symptoms persist.. Call a doctor.

Get plenty if Calcium.. Don't eat it.. Just hoard that shit.

Be kind to your niece, you'll miss her when she's gone.

Maybe you'll marry. Maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children. Maybe you won't. Maybe you will dance the Funky Chicken on your 75th birthday. Maybe you feel like chicken tonight.. Like chicken tonight.. How should I know, I don't know who you are.

Enjoy your body. Use it every which way you can. Then bury it out in the yard with all the others.. Seriously, it's creepy how you keep a body in your house.. Who are you??

Dance! Even if you have nothing to dance to but a poorly written spoken word novelty song backed up by generic techno beats, kind of like Enya on Redbull.

Don't read Beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Don't read crossword puzzles because they will make you feel stupid.

Don't read carpet sample books, it's not that kind of book. Read Sunscreen!

Get to know your parents. Also, try to memorize where you live.

Understand that friends come and go but you have to stay here.. That's why it's called house arrest.

Lather.. Rinse... Repeat.

Live in Edmonton but then leave. Live in Los Angeles but then leave. Live in St Louis but leave before they even realize you're there. Retire in New York. HEY! You're Wayne Gretzky!!

Courtesy Flush!

Remember that advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past out of the trash, wiping it off, painting it a pretty pink, glue google eyes on it and keeping it on your desk for a while.. Then throwing it back in the trash.

But trust me on the sunscreen. Write to the sunscreen marketing board for more great gift and recipe ideas. You will also receive a free colouring book with 3 proofs of purchase.

Wear Sunscreen!!

It's the End of the World... 2012 edition

So let me be the 136378 person to say it, It's the End of the World... And I feel Fine.. Actually I feel great, I felt fine after the third Baileys and egg nog.. Feeling great started around the sixth... Fuc@$n Awesome will be felt at the bottom of the bottle!!! So bear with me and let me rob you of a couple of the last minutes you will have here on Earth.

Has anyone bothered to see how the Mayans are acting with such impending doom harbouring over us?? Are there Mayans still?? Are there Mayans moving?? Haha see what I did there.. Whatever.. You'll probably get it with a few minutes left to live..

The main reason we should all realize the world is truly coming to an end is that this will be the first time in 40 years that Dick Clark will not drop the ball and ring in the new year... If that isn't enough to make you run over to your neighbours bunker and start Y2K'ing his stash of canned goods and Twinkees, I don't know what is!!!

Another reason we should second guess all these positive people who think Dec 22nd will roll into town... If the world doesn't end right away, the Youth of America will eventually vote in Pauly D as President of the United States.. The Situation will be Governor of GTL and Vinnie will be Vice President who's only job will be to stand beside Pauly and laugh at all his jokes.. AWKWARD!!!! Don't worry if you don't get that, it may just be a reason I am looking towards the end of the world...

A world where Bieber and Manaj are considered cutting edge musicians.. A world where if you're a teenager and pregnant you get handed an MTV contract before adoption information... A world where "real housewives" are considered Best Selling Authors and musicians.. A world where .... Wait.. Is this getting too political?? Glass number eight brings on too much seriousness...

So lets summarize what we have learnt so far... Dicks dead.. Pop culture sucks..
Pauly <3 Vinnie... Glittery vampires are the worst thing to be introduced to the public since that backwards visor wearing trend.. Seriously bring em out behind the barn!!

Lost my train of thought.. Train.. Crazy Train.. Ozzy.. That guy rocked on Survivor.. I mean seriously.. Aquaman or what.. Didn't see me going there did you.. Is anyone actually reading this??

Anyway lets get onto the heart of the matter, something that may come as a shock to some.. Some of you may already know this so try not to spoil the ending, Okay!! It happened about 11 years ago?? No seriously is that right, someone correct me if I am wrong.. 11 years ago a horrible horrible thing happened and I don't think I will ever ever be the same... It was up on a slippery snow covered roof that a fat jolly old man met his maker.. Some reports say Rudolph pushed him.. Some say a few stow away elves pushed him.. Some say he lives in Florida with Elvis and they run a chicken and waffles restaurant where you get 5% off on Tuesday if you clip their coupon.. But what I am saying is.. What am I saying. Bettman SUCKs!!

No wait.. Some say Grandma got her revenge one crisp night... Some say poisoned milk left by naughty Jimmy.. But ALL must know that Santa is a Dead.. Dead.. dEaD Man!!!! And no one is to even breath a word or syllable of that fat dead man to a certain group of 3 children who will remain nameless under the witness protection program.. But if you must say something.. Oh H.. E.. Double Hell Sticks!!! Lost my train of thought agin..

Hey Dick is Dead.. Santa is Dead.. Elvis is Dead... Did you know that Santa spelt backwards isnt even a word...

Time a wasting.. What do you want to do with your last few hours besides read this agin because you can't believe you even read it the first time!!!! Hahahahahahaha

If we make it to New Years... Lets Blow Something Up!!!!!

Living in the Forest

So deck your halls and hang your tinsel... The Christmas Tree Is up!!! After a few near death experiences between the tree and myself, it has been levelled .. All though after a Few Baileys and Egg Nog.. I am not sure which one of us is leaning to the right.
Outside may be ice cold and barren of any snow, but the inside feels like over the river and through the woods! Every box of decorations opened brings back a flood of recent memories and memories that have decades of fragile dust gathered on them. It's the holiday Horders must dream about because when your kid makes that egg carton sleigh, you know you can never get rid of it... Or the millions of cut out snowflakes.. Even if you now you will make a million more next year.. The way things are going I am going to be getting a uHaul truck to start delivering the boxes of decorations in the next 5 years.
There is so much glitter floating around this house right now it looks like either Ke$ha threw up or Edward exploded in the sunlight.. Pine needles replace hardwood floor, garland replaces crown moulding and I swear I saw a couple chipmunks trying to stuff a hula hoop into a tree by the creek.. Only at Christmas...

But it's not even December!! I am sure a lot of you have uttered these words as you were reading. Around here Christmas music gets played after the first big snow fall, that didn't last long but it got cranked non the less.. Bing Crosby and Bono were belting out the festive tunes faster then my 5 year old and 3 year old could make snow angels. Decorations usually follow a week or so after, depending on the time of snow... But the tree.. Hohhot the Tree.. Oh Christmas Tree oh Christmas Tree.. Where the heck in Westbank can we find a Christmas tree???????

Load up the truck and back over the river and through the woods.. It's off to Dogwood we go!! Nada.. Zip.. Oh wait they have a 3 foot potted tree.. Nothing for another week.. That ain't gonna fly.

Back into the truck, over the highway, down the Main Street.. It's off to Bylands we go!! The main doors open.. The smell of vanilla and cranberry candles fills the air. Silver and Gold decorations adorn the display trees... Wait, what?? No trees until Tuesday.. Charlie Brown we need a miracle!!

Back in the truck

Back to the highway
Stop at Tim Hortons because this is Canada.. And it's Christmas.. All we need is Crosby handing me Timbits through the drive thru window.. Any chance of that Gary??

Anyway.. Back on the road , through the parking lot... Home Depot shines like a beacon of salvation with its rows of bundled up pine needle dropping trees!!!!!

So now it stands here, twinkling in the darkness of the house. The kids are asleep and I swear that tree is leaning to the left but it's nothing another glass of Baileys won't fix.. Ran out of Egg nog 3 glasses back!