Ladies and gentlemen, wear sunscreen.. If I could offer you only one piece of advice for your future, sunscreen would be it. Did you know that sunscreen is used for more then sun protection? Oh yes, much more!
It can remove stains from your driveway. It can be used as a cheap butter substance and if you leave an open tube of it in your fridge, it will keep it smelling tropical fresh for weeks.
The rest of my advice has absolutely no depth or substance to it but it does sound good when backed with funky hooks and beats on a high frequency of FM radio.
Pay no attention to the power that is the beauty of your youth... That way when you're old, you will still be happy. Remember, you are not as Phat as you think.. You are however, Super Fly!!!
Do not worry about your future because worrying is about as effective as nailing jello to a wall or trying to solve Algebra by chewing bubble gum. And why chew bubble gum when a piece of cardboard soaked in sunscreen makes for a longer lasting taste satisfaction.
Do one thing a day that scares the person you are stalking.
Sing. But don't release an album. Especially if you are Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan.. Actually, don't sing... Just hum loudly!!
Don't be reckless with someone else's heart, in fact put down any vital organs you may have, they are are play things for your amusement.
Stretch.
Floss.
Rebuild your desktop with the included tools and don't fully tighten all the screws until the end.
If Symptoms persist.. Call a doctor.
Get plenty if Calcium.. Don't eat it.. Just hoard that shit.
Be kind to your niece, you'll miss her when she's gone.
Maybe you'll marry. Maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children. Maybe you won't. Maybe you will dance the Funky Chicken on your 75th birthday. Maybe you feel like chicken tonight.. Like chicken tonight.. How should I know, I don't know who you are.
Enjoy your body. Use it every which way you can. Then bury it out in the yard with all the others.. Seriously, it's creepy how you keep a body in your house.. Who are you??
Dance! Even if you have nothing to dance to but a poorly written spoken word novelty song backed up by generic techno beats, kind of like Enya on Redbull.
Don't read Beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Don't read crossword puzzles because they will make you feel stupid.
Don't read carpet sample books, it's not that kind of book. Read Sunscreen!
Get to know your parents. Also, try to memorize where you live.
Understand that friends come and go but you have to stay here.. That's why it's called house arrest.
Lather.. Rinse... Repeat.
Live in Edmonton but then leave. Live in Los Angeles but then leave. Live in St Louis but leave before they even realize you're there. Retire in New York. HEY! You're Wayne Gretzky!!
Courtesy Flush!
Remember that advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past out of the trash, wiping it off, painting it a pretty pink, glue google eyes on it and keeping it on your desk for a while.. Then throwing it back in the trash.
But trust me on the sunscreen. Write to the sunscreen marketing board for more great gift and recipe ideas. You will also receive a free colouring book with 3 proofs of purchase.
Wear Sunscreen!!
